I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
