just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
