I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
