bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So here I am, sexting at work.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
