Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
