After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
