Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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