I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
