I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
