I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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