she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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