what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
