Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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