I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
false alarm, still single
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
