I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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