i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
