Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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