There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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