I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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