I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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