Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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