oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
my liver is dry heaving
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
