I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
