Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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