We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
