last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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