Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
