do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
