If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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