oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
