God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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