question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
