God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
