Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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