I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way