I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Randomize
