My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
