you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
