so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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