Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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