What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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