it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
