plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
