A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
