She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
