I'm gonna have a badass scar
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
