never play flip cup with pint glasses
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
