i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
