Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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