I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
