So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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