Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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