Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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