i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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