I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
