What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
