So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
