How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
