It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
